Tuesday, February 24, 2015

goodbye, without leaving-

long ago, i have a lots of things to spill out here. in this silent page.
i badly want to write anything about how i feel- and what is the point from my day. I also demand to write about someone i'd adore long time ago. And so, i created this page as my contribution count for his kindness-

but each days, i found myself more irritated. 

i hardly thinking where is the best world to live with all my random thought- until i realize that all the mix feeling i have silently denying had turn into a troublesome jar and left a scar deep in my world. And sometime i deleted all my thought just because of i-am-someone-who-someone-else -knows. So i argue to myself to stop writing obsessively. And the fact that i cant write everything as i wish make me feel dumped.

people judge , and it is unfair enough to point out without asking-

aku tahu,mesti ramai yang cakap apa yang kita tulis menggambarkan diri kita. Dan bagi aku semua tu tak boleh pakai bila kau tulis kau selalu solat tahajud padahal subuh kau pun selalu gajah. Itu tak adil. Itu menipu. 

tulisan itu sesuatu yang sangat mulia bila kau tahu di mana point engkau untuk meletak Tuhan dalam setiap bait kata. Jangan menilai tulisan hanya sebagai gabungan abjad yang menjadi bilah kata.

aku dengan tulisan adalah dua mahluk yang sangat berbeza. 

ruang sempit ini aku pilih sebagai ruang untuk aku menukil segala rasa yang tak terluah dengan kata-kata sebagai sesuatu untuk aku baca kembali. Aku menulis bukan untuk digelar penulis. Aku menulis juga bukan untuk menghilangkan sakit juga bukan mempamerkan riak, tapi aku menulis kerana sesuatu yang namanya hati- yang mahu sedikit ruang buat menghilangkan penat sementara di singgahan dunia. Tempat yang wujud hanya bila jemari mahu bersatu. Namun, tetap hakikatnya cuma satu; tiada tempat untuk aku luah melainkan Allah jua tempatnya. 

i'd mentioned before. And i won't mentioned it twice-

manusia itu terlahir dengan sifat yang penuh ketidaksempurnaan. I wish i could tell about everything ,but i can't. Why? because i am someone who someone else knows. and the boundary upset me sometimes.

I cant talk to people everything because totally i will mess up, i cant write in my diary because afraid of someone else read- and now, i even cant write in my silent page.

apa, kata-kata aku kasar sangat kah? atau watak yang aku bawa terlalu antagonis?

 jika ada silapnya, maaf hamba pohon. Tetaplah hamba ini hamba pada Yang Esa. Sedangkan sang ratu yang kerajaannya mengundang gentar di hati lawan jua menyingkap kainnya tika menjejak ke istana Sulaiman, apatah lagi hamba yang hidup berbekal iman yang tidak sekental mana-kebarangkalian ketidaksempurnaan hamba adalah 99.99%, kerana demi sesungguhnya hamba ini berunsur tanah yang tercipta Tuhan dengan bernamakan manusia-ertinya lupa.

for everyone who followed what i had post beforehand, thank you for spending your valuable time on this unworthy page. this is not a right place for any attorney to find a jobs. i'm sorry- and i don't think i will stay lepak kat url yang ini -



Monday, February 23, 2015

23rd of february



after all these years i know now,
if i love you this much.

it times to let go.

do well in your mbbs,
 i will be your great supporters.
 And will applause aloud on your graduation-

i can't cheat.
it make me look like bitch.

i can't tell,
because no one yell.

i'm not holding on,
because i never promise on.

i live,
and you live.

so we both live quietly.
to admire life secretly.

if only you knows.

now is the time.
i leave you not because i giving you up.
but because i know Allah had something good for me to look up.

happy birthday.
may Allah showers you with blessing.


Tuesday, February 10, 2015

when love arrives -

i , sometime wonder how i will grow up. Like, who is the man that i will bump my life into, and how i will end up liking somebody wholeheartedly, and yadayadayada.

i always end-up my day thinking about how i run my day- is it good or not good enough?when i'm home, have showers late at night before i sleep have been my routine since i was in my seventeenth.. Because it is the way too calm and i love to run my thought all over the time while the cold water touch my head . All the thought that bottled in my head will flow accordingly. And, it was super cool to have sometime to dreaming ~ and yeah, you can say it as a shower-thought maybe-

and, today while i was busy buffering my favorite movie on you-tube, i was stumbled across 5 minute you-tube video. The poet is great, and i was like drooling listening to them! haha, statement mintak kaki. 

tapinya, tah tak tahu nak cakap, cumanya video tu nice and i give both of them 5 stars out of  5. Gitu-
nah, tengok lah kalau rajin (: 


i come to fall in love with this poem and yeah- i love poetry  as well as i love eating waffle kat hospimart tu. even its sound so jelly-and cliche. but c'mon  , who's cares (: 

this poem tells us about the realities and expectation of love, based on the males-and the females  view. And, i guess all of the words seems true and beautiful tho i'm not facing up well with kinda love. But still, i fall in love with this ! U,U

"maybe love stays- maybe love can't- maybe love shouldn't "


Love arrives exactly when love is supposed to,
And love leaves exactly when love must.
When love arrives, say, “Welcome. Make yourself comfortable.”
If love leaves, ask her to leave the door open behind her.
Turn off the music, listen to the quiet, whisper,
“Thank you for stopping by.”

. . .


and, i will trying to own one of sarah kay books since i already fallen for her. She's adorable just like Lang Leav (Lullabies writer-and this book which is also in my goodread list--)

" love had terrible rhythm on the dance floor, but make sure we never missed a slow song " (:

and so then- happy loving - for the sake of Allah (:

p/s ; dont read if you found your mental states not stable- because sometimes you will harm your imaan. And for my dearest Lengg . you shooo cool like sk8ters boys out there even you don't do trick ,huahua (:

Sunday, February 08, 2015

don't know what is the best word to define -




malam jumaat lepas, ada kenduri doa selamat untuk kak fizah (wife paksu) yang inshaAllah lagi 2 bulan tambah tolak bakal jadi ummi dan abi. 

alkisahnya, ramailah sedara mara berkumpul. yang dekat jauh semua datang. Riuh rumah papan tok dengan anak cucu berlari-lari, 

kemudiannya, aku ni antara yang paling jarang balik kalau ada majlis. Almaklumlah, kolej kat amsterdam, mana boleh nak ponteng suka suka hati. Jadi, agak ramailah menemu ramah aku. Orang tengah menganggur , baru habis belajar. Soalan cliche yang tak lekang macam biasa, -bila dapat kerja?-bila nak kawen?-bila nak tinggi? -dan yang sama waktu dengannya.

soalan satu. 
kalau orang tanya, aku konfiden jawab,inshaAllah bulan 3 (:

soalan dua.
kalau orang tanya, aku jawab-nak kerja dulu.

soalan tiga.
sebab yang tukang tanya cuma si kembar-pkcik adik dan pkcik abang; makanya jawapan aku tunggu perut pkcik-pkcik ku kempis dulu. Hehe.

nak dijadikan sesuatu nya, besan tok aku datang sekali malam tu.

dia datang duduk sebelah aku, dan borak-borak. Dia tanya nanti nak sambung medic ke? aku jawab tak kot, lama jugak tu kalau nak sambung. 

lepastu dia cakap ;
anak saudara mkcik ti dressar juga, perempuan. Dia sekarang sambung medic, lagi setahun nak habis. Sambunglah medic, boleh jadi doctor. 

hehe.
aku sengih, 

makcik ti cakap lagi, anak saudara dia ni dah kahwin, husband dia doctor, sebab tu lah dia semangat nak sambung medic jugak- sama dengan husband dia. 

aku sengih.
hehe.

kakak sambunglah medic juga, takde lamanya- kahwin dulu lepas kahwin nanti sambung medic.

aku sengih jugak.
sambil jawab "hm kalau gitu, kakak kena kawen dengan doktor jugalah kan !" beria aku jawab. 

takde masalah pun sebenarnya kalau aku nak sambung medic, kalau bersungguh nak, inshaAllah semua boleh jadi. Tapi jadi doktor bukan impian aku. Jadi seseorang yang berpangkal nama Dr- tu ada lah dalam list impian aku., tapi sebagai pakar dalam bidang guaman. haha. cita-cita yang tak lapuk dek hujan tak lekang dek panas walaupun dah sah sah aku dressar. 

kemudiannya, usai majlis tu kami semua sibuklah pulak mengemas. 
dalam duduk mengemas tu ada yang bersuara - cucu-cucu makngah (tok) dah besar besar semuanya haa. patutlah wangi semacam ja rumah makngah nih. Bunga berkuntum-kuntum  . Tunggu masa cincin bersarung ja ni semua haa.

fakta satu.
cucu -cucu belah tok memang majoriti perempuan.

fakta dua.
sikembar , pkcik adik anak dia semua boboi dan pkcik abang anak dia semua gegurls.

fakta tiga.
keturunan tok ada 3 pasang kembar, dan dua daripadanya adalah kembar perempuan.

fakta empat.
ramai budak-budak (cousin) yang aku tak ingat nama, sebab terlampau ramai T.T 

. . .

i think, i miss a lot of things about my big family.

bila tengok sepupu sepupu yang dulu dalam dukungan dah mula berlari .
tok semakin tua dan pergerakan yang agak terbatas.
pksu yang dulu teman bergurau dah bakal jadi ayah.
ali dan ayen- sepupu yang sebaya dengan aku , yang selalu main lumba beskal dulu dulu sekarang dah makin hensem and grow to be a man- because they had janggut, and i think it is a sign of growing older.

haih, i owe myself a big time to muse about.

betullah kan, bila akhir zaman, masa semakin berlalu dengan cepat. Macam sekarang. Aku rasa aku baru ja habiskan diploma aku bulan 12 ritu, tapi sekarang dah bulan 2. Macam nak percaya taknak percaya, tapi kena percaya. 

Allah bagi tanda, untuk kita muhasabah diri. Ah, feels not right everywhere. Allahurabbi. I'm growing older, and older. another day just bringing me nearest to death. 

i want to be a daughter that my abah and emak proud of.
 a daughter who'll be the tickets for my parents to enter the jannah.
i want to be a daughter that abah and emak have no regret for raised me up.
i really wants to be one. 

i want to grow old, and have my own family.
living in a home surrounding by peoples i love the most.
open my eyes every morning with a pleasure and 
living everyday by appreciating Allah's love. 

i want to grow old with a man who still love me in my worst.
a man who respects my parents the most.
a man whose understand my word even in my silents. 
a man whose doesn't care of my past.

i want to grow old with a man who his heart is forever for Allah, so i won't regret myself if i left him in this world, because i certainly will meet him in Jannah- if i am acceptable to be in Jannah. aamin.

i want to grow old, and be a mom.
a mom who is spending appropriately on my child.
a mom who is teaching the meaning of lailahaillallah to my dearest kids.
a mom who is teaching my child the kalimah of alif-ba-ta and the knowledge of Quran.
and, a mom who is growing old seeing my dearest children growth with islamic morals and characters. Allahu


i want to leave this world with my forehead on the ground, and syahadah be the last word.
i want to leave this world with no regret.

but- Allah is the best planner.

i plan;
and He plan.
Allahukbar !

O you who believe! Ward off yourselves and your families against a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones, over which are (appointed) angels stern (and) severe, who disobey not, (from executing) the commands they receive from Allah, but do that which they are commanded” (Tahrim 66:6).


and, i feels like crying while finishing this entry. i don't know why, but it feels so. It-is-soo-me. i'm sorry for all my faults while i'm publishing my blog post. If my writings cost you a no-good-things,please-please don't take it into your heart. I can't bear myself with my sin towards Him, and i don't wish to have more. Allahu ysallemmkom-


Friday, February 06, 2015

a lesson-

" a lesson hurt, before it teaches"
. . .

you told him, you can go through your life without him. And he said  "yes i know you will, because you spent almost of your childhood time living happily without me.  So why not now?". he smiled.

but you felt a great loss. 

after a big time of missing someone who you know already left you behind, your heart trying to find someone to fulfill the empty place in your heart. You hardly trying to fall in love again, and you succeed. But the truth is , you fall in love with the same person, exactly the same person just in a different time-and a different place. You give up your heart, And, after a while, the someone who you spent the most of your time thinking about, comes again in your life with a vow to complete your deen. 

" everything will fall into place-have faith to Allah and be patient "


. . .

The world we live never promise us the paradise. The world we live never consume us the happy ending. The world we live never provide us a shelter from the storm. We live in a world where everything's are uncertain, and only death is exceptionable.

i found myself pretty much sad these days. I bought a new red sneakers for myself, and i walk along the road. I suppose to walk somewhere , but i'm not. Because the time is just not too right for a really good thing to happen. 

after a while, i was sitting around the playground. Seeing the kids play hide and seek, and boys doing some tricks with their skateboard. I feel envy. Because they have nothing to worry about. In my head, i thought i was the worst ,full of problems without solution, being sick here and there, being push by all the problems in this world. While i was mourning on my self, one little girl crying, she was fallen from the bench while trying to hide from her mates. No one comes to get her up, no one comes to persuade. I wonder, does she come here alone? . So, i go and get her up. I trying to cheer her up by buying her an ice-cream. But she refused. She keeps crying. I felt like leaving her , but my feet won't let me walk away.

while i was wondering what to do, a woman with a red-tulips blouse come over and hugging this little kids. Oh, so this is the mother's , i thought so. And, i handling the girls over. She's thanked me for being so kind.

so. i had some chat with this young mothers. We talked a lot of things, and i felt terrible when she said that " my daughter have no father since birth",and she's selling some kerepek for money everyday. This beautiful young lady, was having a hard time but never feels burdened for what Allah had destined for her. How stronger she was. I'm totally envy .

That happy face, never shows how terrible her life was- i feel bad about myself.

" don't run a good today, by thinking about a bad yesterday"

. . .

i wrote this story because i think i have to do so. This story have no absolute relations with me, but for someone else, yes it does.

" you don't need another human being to make your life complete, Just be with someone who's seen you at your worst and still thinking that you're the best"







i know there's a lot of grammatical error, so that's why i have to stop writing before i turn into another broken English-story-teller. Lol  --"